Bullycide: Always Gray

  • Posted: April 6, 2010 and this post was last modified April 3, 2011.

Growing up, my mother always hated the fact that everything had to be black or white for me; I could never accept that there was a gray area. After all, in my mind, black and white constitute gray; there just had to be some black and white in order to get to the area known as gray. Growing up, I still hope for the black and white, but have learned to almost accept that at times there is only gray.

It can be easy as an adult to prejudge a situation; we feel that as adults, we have lived long enough or have enough experience under our belts to be able to say what is and what is not. The truth of the matter is, some adults have never even begun to live. Some adults have not experienced half of what some kids or other adults have. Whether it be the sights and wonders of the world or the bad and ugly that life has to offer, some just miss out on some experience gaining moments.

You did not live my life. You have no place to judge my actions. You cannot say that I was too weak or didn’t fight hard enough. First of all, because you do not know just how much I did, but second of all, you did not live through it. If you have no basis for comparison, how can you tell me that I have not done enough? If your childhood was the American dream, what basis do you have to relate with me?

Now, I was not bullied in school as a kid. On the contrary, I had many friends and dipped in and out of many different social groups. I loved school. I had a grand time and often miss those days. But I was abused as a kid. My mom was the bully, not the school kids. So while I cannot relate to the feeling of going to school and being shunned in front of an entire student body, I can certainly relate to the feeling of not thinking life is worth it or going to get any better. I can relate to the hopelessness and the tunnel visioned thinking of not being able to make it to graduation. Graduation seems a lifetime away when you are in so much pain. A lifetime.

Yet the real lifetime only begins once graduation is over. When we get into the ‘real’ world alone, we see that our childhood was but a mere stepping stone; we see that it was not near as long as we would have liked it to have been (for those of us who enjoyed it) or not quite as long as we thought it would be (for those of us who had to overcome it). Even if we only lived to be a ripe old age of 50, we would not have spent half of our lives in childhood.

But hindsight is always 20/20.

It is not always so clear cut in the moment. It is not always so black and white. Who knows why people think the way they do. Who knows why a beautiful woman thinks she is ugly or a talented artist thinks they have nothing to give the world and cuts their life short. There are people who think that there is nothing wrong with murder; their thwarted views are quite clear in their own minds, but it does not mean that it is right. Yet to them, they are certainly not wrong.

We’d like to say it is wrong to commit suicide. We’d like to say it is wrong to feel so helpless when it is just words or they are just kids or ‘sticks and stones’ never hurt anybody, but have you ever been hit in the head with a stone? It hurts pretty good in my opinion! It is wrong to commit suicide; it is wrong that the child or loved one feels so alone and trapped that they would want to end the one thing they cannot have back. We seem to think that ‘giving up’ is a bad thing because it implies laziness or the idea that one is just not trying hard enough, but sometimes those ideas are so far from the truth that they are almost a lie. Sometimes we give up because we have done all we [think we] can do.

So next time you see that someone has taken their life as a result of bullying, please don’t quick to jump to the conclusion that they were weak, giving up, or just plain irrational. You do not know their state of mind, but more importantly, you probably just plain can’t relate.

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